dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
