We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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