yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
