you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
And then my night got REAL pukey
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
