I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
