Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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