Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I CAN MOONWALK!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
