Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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