cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
whose parrot is this?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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