I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
