Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Randomize
