yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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