FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
