i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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