i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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