apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
