can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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