I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize