Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
