hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize
