chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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