I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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