swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
