Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
we're so committed to being not committed
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
