do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
