i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
