Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
