I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize