My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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