his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
