you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
