Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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