I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
