this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
