i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I supernannyed him into submission
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
