two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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