I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
