im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
This house was built for laser tag.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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