Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
