I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
