You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
