new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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