Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
