Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
