Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
