if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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