my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I could make wine with my vomit
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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