yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Randomize
