Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
