Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
