Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize