He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
