You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
