is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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