I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
