I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Randomize
