I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
