The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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