I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
