He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
