I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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