Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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