Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
