pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
