just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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