I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
