the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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